So what if it's true? Does it matter? These words were taken from the book I'm reading in these days. When negative minds come, I should examine its validity.. "any evident for that?", "who says?"... Yes, the first thing that I must get rid of that is the negative thought, which brings up my anxiety, causing panic attacks.

It's really not an easy life. I have my course of CBT for months - not sure how many sessions I have attended (starting from Oct 05, the last year). And it seems that I knew more about my symptoms, my way of thinking and response to the others, the environment. The therapist had also gave me a few assignment to "practice" the exposure to a few situations that I find difficult to handle, the circumstances that have my panic full-blown. For example, to serve my friends, colleagues during the meal. I am used to be tense and tremble as I'm always conscious about the eyes of others. "They are looking at me.. oh no, I will make a mess when putting the pasta to the plate... they will find that I'm totally stupid, not smart enough", I thought.

The CBT requires me to think this in positive way to confront the negative mind. Try to get some times to look around, ensuring myself that not many of them or no one are staring at me. Even though I made a terrible mess to the table, what will I deserve? ...

Well, it's good for me to read the book "Fear is no longer my reality", by Jamie Blyth, who participated "The Bachelorrette". I can take his case as my reference. I need more confidence, power of mind, to fight with this kind of anxiety and those panic disorders.

It was 26 Oct 2005. I have been appointed with the psychologist... the first time I consult the professional. My problem is (suspected) "social phobia" - one of the emotional disorder. Well, this might be the source of problems that have been following me for many years. The barrier that constrains the content of my life, i think.

When speech in a class, talk to or perform something before a group of people, I have the problem of being so nervous and getting blush. Even worse, my hands & body tremble in the way that seems uncontrollable and embarrass me so much. When standing at the stage like this, it is really a sort of torture to me. It does need time to "calm down" and back to the peaceful mind. Even a deep breath can't help. Starting from primary school, these symptoms have bother and upset me. I affirm that there was improvement as I always tell myself that the "symptoms" are mostly not reasonable... but I think there is quite a large room for my improvement. I know I need the help from professional.

After this session of consulting the psychologist, she told me that I do have "social phobia", but not severe type - at least I have tried not to escape from people. She suggested me to participate into a course of CBT. Well now, I'm really looking forward to this course which may change my life.