很快地便到了2009年, 2008年郤帶給我很多,亦打破了我之前幾年生活上的宿靜.... 我到過我未去過的歐洲(London, Italy)約兩星期, 又到過日本北海道, 駕車到Niseko, 滑雪數天.... 到了2009年, 我將會面對更多我未遇過的事,這些夾雜身邊所發生的事(如金融海嘨). 我知道有不少挑戰等待着我.

In these days, talking with foreigners is still the "big" issue to me. I'm so scare to speak in English when other colleagues present. The situation could be worst if foreigner come and talk to me suddenly. I fear of not understanding what he would say, making me so nervous.
I have just read an article about "Listening Skill" in English. It did remind me about the attitude towards the good listening comprehension. The most important thing is not to understanding everything. The author encourages readers to concentrate on what he / she understands when listening to other's speech, just skip the missed words.
This is a good article to me actually. My problems in listening English are mainly:

• So nervous when listening to foreigner (even before that)
• Fall into an unknown word, and then miss the latter words

I have to accept that I can't take 100% understanding, but try to get all I heard, that's all. Certainly, "Fully understanding" is still the destination goal.

Just past my first day in the new job. Fortunately it was easy going as there is not much communication needed with the foreigners in the office. I have also "accomplished" some tasks I have planned...

• Ask a colleague (foreigner) about my payroll bank account registration.
  
• Communicated with a vendor when other colleagues were sitting behind me. I did feel the pressure of "being judged" when I spoke my request, requirements to the sales rep. Anyway, I must go and work under this environment. I have to overcome the fear.

Hopefully, I can start my first project tomorrow by collecting information from other colleague. I knew that one of the foreigner colleague could provide me the relevant information. However, I'm so scare to speak English, especially in the office where 4 or more people sitting there. I' m still struggling with this actually. I'm the new guy to the company, they will judge my proficiency in English, my ability in expression, etc. based on the first impression.

Now I' m telling myself, I must jump over this mental barrier.

Just read an article about "Exposure Therapy". It inspired me (this is not the first time an article which gave me the power to cope social phobia, but not long lasting) to convince myself that my social phobia will get away eventually.

(taken from http://www.socialanxietyassist.com.au/treatment/exposure.shtml)

Exposure Therapy

Exposure therapy is essential if you are to overcome your social anxiety, i.e. you must put yourself in the social situations you are worried about. Although this sounds frightening, your therapist will give you the tools to cope with confronting your fears (e.g. rational thinking, slow breathing & isometric relaxation)

the commencement date of my new job is getting nearer. I will face the new challenges, new mission and new environment (different place and people). I have to overcome my fear that comes everyday when I wake up. It's quite likely that I will have a trip to Australia very soon. What will the trip like? Many stuff came to my mind... but finally I will overcome and go past this difficulty.

I will have my new job starting from mid-March. To me, it is really the challenge as it requires working in foreign countries, like London, France... I didn't taken such kind of job before. My first job requested to go to China (In Hong Kong, we used to call "the Mainland") . Remember the first I went to the factory in Guang Dong together with my boss. I was so nervous that I couldn't say a word to my boss, and I felt tense throughout the trip. My boss came from Mainland and spoke in Mandarin (my mother language is Cantonese. Certainly I can't talk fluently in Mandarin). Arriving at the factory, all I had to say and think was Mandarin. Sometimes I didn't understand what my colleagues talked about. My symptom in social phobia would come immediately that made me more and more nervous. "Pardon!", the word always there from my mouth.
As far as I am concern, speaking in English might not be the problem. My upset is the understanding, listening to English, which are not the easy job for me. Probably I will use the word, "sorry" so many times within the conversation with the foreigners. And they might find uncomfortable to talk with me, loss their confidence, or even trust on me.

I will have an interview this evening. It could be my "warm up" session for my subsequent interviews, since my last interview happened about 3 years ago. It is my friend who referred the job to me. it would be awkward if my performance is not good enough. The feeling will be bad as my friend discussed with me a few times and convinced me at last, so that I decided to have this try.
My phobia always come when I think about the future if I could join this company. It is really a new environment to me with quite a different culture and business nature. My present job does not require travelling to other countries, and seldom to speak English or foreign languages. If I join this company, it will require frequent trips. The fear comes when I need to communicate in Mardarian or English....

So what if it's true? Does it matter? These words were taken from the book I'm reading in these days. When negative minds come, I should examine its validity.. "any evident for that?", "who says?"... Yes, the first thing that I must get rid of that is the negative thought, which brings up my anxiety, causing panic attacks.

It's really not an easy life. I have my course of CBT for months - not sure how many sessions I have attended (starting from Oct 05, the last year). And it seems that I knew more about my symptoms, my way of thinking and response to the others, the environment. The therapist had also gave me a few assignment to "practice" the exposure to a few situations that I find difficult to handle, the circumstances that have my panic full-blown. For example, to serve my friends, colleagues during the meal. I am used to be tense and tremble as I'm always conscious about the eyes of others. "They are looking at me.. oh no, I will make a mess when putting the pasta to the plate... they will find that I'm totally stupid, not smart enough", I thought.

The CBT requires me to think this in positive way to confront the negative mind. Try to get some times to look around, ensuring myself that not many of them or no one are staring at me. Even though I made a terrible mess to the table, what will I deserve? ...

Well, it's good for me to read the book "Fear is no longer my reality", by Jamie Blyth, who participated "The Bachelorrette". I can take his case as my reference. I need more confidence, power of mind, to fight with this kind of anxiety and those panic disorders.